02.08.2014, Thursday, 03:56 pm

6

She’s done it again. “She” as in Brandy, Duchess of Meanville, “it” as in managed to destroy my life and “again” as for the hundred MILLIONTH time this week.

What was that, DeDe?? Did you ask me HOW??

Oh, I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you LOTS.

Earlier today, I attended the would-be last Pattern Math class for preferably ever. I was in high spirits, mainly because when it hits you that something you dislike as much as I dislike P.M class is going to wrap up, you can’t help but smile.

That’s where Brandy slid into the picture.

‘Could I come with you to math class, Taylor??’ She asked me at the dining table this morning. I almost choked on my PB & J.

‘No WAY,’ I wanted to scream. Wanted to.

Before I could get a word in edgewise, though, Mom answered for me. ‘Of course, Brandy. I’m sure Taylor would appreciate the company, wouldn’t you, Taylor??’ My Mom practically spit out the last three words. It was obvious what she wanted me to say.

And as much as it pained me to say it, I did. Come on, she’s my MOTHER. Without her, I wouldn’t even EXIST. I think I at least owe her the courtesy to SAY what she wants me to.

‘Um… Yeeeeaaaahhh,’ I agreed, not lifting my eyes from my toast.

My mind was busy thinking of the various reasons Brandy would want to spend a single extra second with ME, a person she so openly hates. Public humiliation?? It seemed like the most reasonable explanation.

So I was slightly scared when she acted like a complete angel throughout the one hour of boring math formulae. I was almost tempted to pin her to the wall and demand her to tell me why she wanted to tag along. The suspense was KILLING me.

I didn’t have long to wait.

Just as the class ended and students were filing out, I noticed that my notorious cousin was nowhere to be seen. Panic filling my overworked brain, I darted all around the grounds, calling out her name with a tone that suggested I actually cared. Not that I did, of course. Just that I would probably be grounded till the end of time if I lost her.

I fled back into the classroom, ready to pour the whole thing out to the Prof…

…Only to find Brandy casually chatting up my teacher. ‘Brandy,’ I sputtered, suppressing the urge to bash her little face in. ‘There she is,’ Brandy gestured towards me.

‘Your cousin here was telling me how much you enjoy my arithmetic classes,’ Professor Hendricks stated. ‘Well…’ I feebly responded, hardly believing my ears.

‘She really does, Mr Hendricks. Once she’s back home, she can’t shut up about the “joy of mathematics”, as she likes to put it,’ Brandy jabbered on.

‘If you really do like them so much, then I’m willing to offer you extra classes. In fact, I’m starting an advanced course..’

‘That REALLY won’t be necessary, Professor,’ I interjected firmly. So THIS was her plan!! To practically FORCE me to go for another ten days of torture!!

‘No, no, I insist,’ My teacher shook his head. ‘Ask your father to come talk to me about it.’

‘Gee… Thanks,’ I mumbled, shuffling back into the hallway. I was going to KILL her. No, worse than kill. SLAUGHTER. That’s better. I was going to squeeze out her eyeballs and laugh as she cried for mercy. I was…

Before I could put my brilliant plan into action, Dad came marching towards me. ‘Where have you two been??’ He questioned. ‘We were talking to Professor Hendricks, Uncle,’ Brandy replied, appearing from nowhere. ‘If I’m not mistaken, he wants to talk to you about something,’ She added sweetly.

‘Oh,’ Dad said, softened by the sound of Brandy’s angelic voice. ‘I hope you haven’t gotten into trouble, Taylor,’ he muttered before dragging me back into the room for yet another painful conversation.

It was settled. I would appear for another ten days of yawn-inducing P.M classes.

You should’ve seen Dad’s face when Mr Hendricks informed him about my love for math. He looked as proud as when Kathryn gave up shopping at Prada.

At least SOMEONE was happy.

29.07.2014, Sunday, 04:12 pm

2

Home alone AT LAST. Dad, Mom, Kathryn and Brandy have gone out to catch a movie at the Multiplex. Recalling how the last Skarr-family-movie-session went, I backed out of the expedition. An extremely wise call, if you ask me.

So now I’m waiting for House to start while sneaking handfuls of popcorn into my mouth as I write this.

This is THE LIFE!!

What could be better than having a Brandy-free evening ahead of you AND the prospect of blankly staring at the idiot box as well??

And, OK, there are lots of better things to do than the aforesaid [like having your math teacher absent for even a day], but this s about the closest thing to bliss I am going to get around here. Take it or leave it.

You know what?? Except for the “Pee-Her-Pants Girl” scandal and the torture I had to go through while attempting to sleep on the couch that night, Brandy hasn’t been THAT bad. And while most cousins don’t post monstrous snapshots of their elders on widely used social networking sites, she’s actually been behaving… decently.

According to Brandy standards, of course.

But still.

She hasn’t even had a major tantrum in, what, TWO WHOLE DAYS?? That’s got to be some sort of record. Brandy NEVER goes more than an hour without screaming her butt off for the most frivolous of demands.

Which makes me wonder what on EARTH that girl is up to. Because Brandy isn’t on her best behaviour for nothing. I know her too well to be able for THAT trick.

So WHAT?? What does she want?? What does she wish for SO MUCH that she hasn’t yelled herself hoarse already for??

It has to be something MASSIVE. Because if it was an ordinary request, she could’ve asked for it without doing this to herself [not being wicked for forty-eight hours, I mean].

Does she want my parents to sponsor her trip to the moon because her own Mom has run out of liquid assets thanks to spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on her daughter per month?? [Nope, I don’t think so. I mean, if there aren’t at least fifty million shopping stores there, count her out. Why do you think she takes the trouble and effort of coming to stay with US annually?? Not because she so enjoys our company, but because of the Dior next door]

Does she want my Dad to quit his job and become her official piggy-back-ride-giver?? [NO WAY. If the vehicle doesn’t cost more than a European country –which my Dad isn’t worth. At least, not to HER-, then NO WAY is Brandy going to be seen dead in it]

Does she want me to –horror!- give up my ROOM?? [I can’t see this happening in EVER. My chamber doesn’t have single diamond-encrusted walk-in closet, which is a BASIC essential for Brandy. How can she live in a place that doesn’t even contain a jewel-studded cupboard??]

Then WHAT?? If she doesn’t want a rocket or my father’s back or my room, WHAT COULD SHE POSSIBLY-

I’m going to have to hold that thought because House has just started and nothing is more important than catching up on your favourite serials. At least, that’s what I think.

26.07.2014, Thursday, 09:56 pm

2

My back is aching all over from the very bumpy couch I had to spend the night on. Do my parents even UNDERSTAND the physical abuse I am going through just because Brandy has come to stay?? I mean, if she wasn’t here, would I have had to lie down on a lumpy mattress that’s full of year-old food?? Would I have had to try to make myself comfortable among the alarming amount of dog fur it houses??

The answer is a ear-splittingly loud NO.

All I have to say is that no way am I going to sleep on that filthy chair again. Not in a million years. Not if my Mom swears she’ll do my homework till I graduate [not that THAT’S ever going to happen]. Not if you PAY me.

And while I may be slightly exaggerating about the cleanliness of the sofa, I have to confess that the pain is real. My shoulder is actually throbbing. THROBBING.

It was SO HARD concentrating on my Frosted Flakes due to the way my back was sending these sizeable ripples of agony down my spine.

I couldn’t even brush my teeth properly!!

The war between me and Brandy has just gone onto a whole new level. At first, it was purely on a mental level [and that was bad enough]. But now?? Now, it’s gone physical. Now I can really FEEL the pain, not just imagine it in my head.

I can’t wait to plan a revenge scheme, however childish getting even may be. I can’t wait to pay her back for the way my arms feel like they have been through a violent minute or two in the mixer. But most of all?? I can’t wait to end this battle.

I can’t wait for Patty to come back from the Egyptian holiday she has gone on with her parents. She and I are going to have so much to discuss.

22.07.2014, Sunday, 07:19pm

4

I was doing this English assignment today in which I was suppose to write about what I thought of the eighth grade, and wanted a synonym for “nuthouse.” Needless to say, I thought using the expression “nuthouse” itself might be the last straw for poor Ms Pritchett, who has suffered enough abuse to last Cleopatra a lifetime, so I wanted to find a subtler word.
I racked my brains in despair, begging, PLEADING for it to come up with a precise answer, but in vain.
Obviously, I couldn’t ask my PARENTS because, 1] I would NEVER ask my parents for school-help. Who am I, Kathryn?? 2] Even if I DID ask
them, they’d want a reason as to where exactly I’m going to be inserting the phrase. One thing will lead to another, and they’ll figure out that I’m using those very words to describe my school. Next thing you know, I’m grounded for “not being more appreciative to the teachers for the hard work and effort they put into their careers.” Yeah, right. Mr Reddog [I don’t even think that’s his real name. I watched a movie on the LIFETIME MOVIES channel called “Red Dog” the other night…] SLEEPS through the whole class. How’s that for hard working teachers, eh parents??

Anyhoo…
I decided to turn to the most reliable source I could consult in this situation; The Thesaurus. Under normal circumstances, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to stoop so low as to use the THESAURUS to aid my writing. But I was desperate and I needed to finish this thing in the next seven minutes if I wanted to have enough time for the rest of the activities I had planned for the day [AKA doing utterly NOTHING].
Taking a deep breath, and praying that the Gods of Literature wouldn’t curse me with a severe literary disfigure, I marshaled all the willpower I had left in me and picked It up.
It wasn’t actually THAT helpful. For one, the thesaurus we have in our house was probably printed before Gutenberg’s Mom was born, therefore there wasn’t a single synonym for “nuthouse.”
Of course, being the smart, intelligent [and modest to boot!!] girl that I am, I realised that, so what if there wasn’t a synonym for “nuthouse??” There must be synonyms for “nut” and “house” individually, right?? So all I had to do was find the two, combine them convincingly VOILA!! There you have it, a word parallel to “nuthouse!!”

I give to you, dear reader….  The “kernel dwelling!!” It may not give the same vibe as its origin, but it means the same thing. No??

21.07.2014, Saturday, 04:02 pm

2

Read a quote this morning in the READER’S DIGEST by a certain Brene Brown, who states that “We’re all so busy chasing the extraordinary that we forget to stop and be grateful for the ordinary.” Easy for him to say, he’s already a PROFESSOR [or so it says next to his name]!!
Actually, I’d rather spend the next three months of my young life oiling/waxing the backs of seventeen thousand, very hairy, middle aged men than realize that, when I grow up, I’m going to be stuck in some boring classroom with a bunch of dumb students who talk behind my back. And then be expected to TEACH them. I mean, isn’t the point of graduation to get the hell outta’ school?? WHO would VOLUNATRILY want to get back to there??
I’ve just thought about it and, maybe being an educator isn’t that bad, y’know?? I would have the opportunity to train the future of tomorrow and ensure that only the brightest of minds emerge from my class. Who knows, I may even get the renowned “Most Amazing and Brilliantly Talented Tutor of The Rest of Eternity” award. Which,
granted, isn’t really a prize. Yet. After the staff and students grasp how much potential I have as a mentor, they’ll introduce it, I’m sure.
Think about it. I’ll be able to ignite minds, create genii, help children learn about… Nah, I’m WAY too selfish for all of that.
Honest.

 

 

 

19.07.2014, Thursday, 12:38 pm

2

The situation in Taylor Town got worse as the night progressed, if you can believe it.

I was getting ready to snuggle into my warm comforter and exploit its extreme fuzziness when Mom walked in, her face all funny. So I went, ‘Good night Mom,’ thinking that she’s probably come to tuck me in [even thought the last time she did that, I couldn’t draw a cursive A to save my life].

Instead of fluffing the blankets and singing me a lullaby, though, Mom stared me in the eye and says, ‘Sweetie, I’m afraid you’re going to have to spend the night on the couch.’

Of course, it takes a few moments to digest this.

‘What?? WHY??’ I whined, brandishing my arms is despair. The couch is the only piece of furniture we let Fudge sit on. The couch is where Marty sleeps when he comes over [Yes, the Marty who picks his nose when he thinks no one is watching]. The couch is where we eat when something’s wrong with the dining table.

And now Mom expected me to SLEEP there??

‘Why can’t she sleep in Kathryn’s room?? It’s bigger than mine!!’ I continued, adding more place for her to spread her evil in in my mind.

‘Taylor, Brandy specially requested to sleep in your room,’ –of course she did- ‘and you are NOT going to disappoint her. The poor girl is still missing her mother and just asked to stay here for the night.  You’re acting as if I asked you to switch to an Only-Broccoli diet.’ Mom argued, wagging her finger.

‘Fine, fine, I’ll do it,’ I grumbled, snatching my diary and a green sparkly pen from my bedside table as I dragged myself to the couch.

Now I’m sitting here, on the dreaded sofa, and I’m not liking it one bit. Sure, it’s managed to retain its velvety-ness even after all it’s been through [which is quite impressive, I must say] and it isn’t PARTICULARLY uncomfortable…

But it’s not MY room. MY room with all my glitzy awards staring down at me while I read. MY room with the cool Hunger Games posters cloaking the walls. MY room with its futuristic window that displays a sick view of the Hudson.

It’s not fair!! Why don’t we have a guest room like all other normal people?? I get that real estate can be pricey in the heart of New York. But my parents are DOCTORS. Don’t tell me we can’t afford another fifteen square feet of space.

19.07.2014, Thursday, 11:57 pm

2

Like I said before, down here, stuff is going from bad to WORST.

Today’s family movie-night [you’d think my parents would have understood that I’d rather be preparing cow manure wearing nothing but a two-piece than spending EXTRA time with my self-obsessed sister, but they haven’t caught on yet. I sometimes wonder where my superior intellect has sprung from] and instead of catching the latest spy flick [like I’d suggested], we ended up watching Barbie: Mermaid Tale 2 [guess who wanted to watch THAT??].

I had to sit through one and a half hours of high-pitched voices, lame plotlines and a whole lot of fish fins. I mean, the dolls are super cool [mainly because they shut up when you tell them to. And even when you don’t, actually], but Barbie movies are in need of a fresh new makeover. Pink is SO outdated.