04.06.2014, Wednesday, 08:22 pm

Courtney’s house is FANTASTIC!!!!!!!! They have a FOUNTAIN in the
FOYER and DIAMONDS in their chandelier!!!!! She lives forty blocks
from where I stay, in an uber chic neighbourhood where people gift
their sixteen year olds Rolls Royces and home-theatres.
Her building was the classiest on the street [the king of the kings,
the winner of the winners, the champion of the champions –I’m sure you
get what I mean by now-]. There were butlers buzzing around and women
draped with fox-fur emerging from behind doors every two seconds.
Courtney’s was the penthouse, the biggest of the lot. Sunlight
streamed from the floor-to-ceiling French windows when I entered.
‘Woooow…’ I whistled. ‘It’s NM, IK,’ Courtney laughed, brushing a
lock of hair from her eyes, ‘But Daddy’s buying us a new house in a
few months, so we won’t be here for long,’ she informed, shrugging her
shoulders. I was surprised she was able to say a whole sentence
without using short forms.
‘LG??’ She enquired. ‘I’m sorry, what??’ I asked, wondering what on
earth LG meant. ‘Let’s go??’ She translated, laughing. I nodded, not
trusting myself to speak.
Upstairs was even better. There were autographed pictures of the
hottest music stars, sparkly mementos from places around the world, a
cute lil’ Golden Retriever snuggled in a corner…
‘This way,’ she gestured towards her room. It looked like as if a
strawberry farm exploded in there [well, without the farm part]. The
walls were pink, the fuzzy rugs were pink, the picture-frames were
pink, the bed covers were pink… It was a little too girly for me,
but still a heck of a room.
‘Let’s begin,’ Courtney declared, perching herself on one of the
cherry bean bags. ‘OK,’ I replied, sitting on a crimson club chair.
Courtney: If someone comes to you with really good news, what would
you say to them??
Me: “Wow!! Awesome!!”
Courtney: NO, silly!! Guess again.
Me: I don’t know. What would YOU say??
Courtney: AMAZE BALLS, DUH!!!!
Me: What does amaze balls mean??
Courtney: It means “absolutely AMAZING!!”
Me: So why can’t I just say absolutely amazing??
Courtney: Look, if you want to stop soundin’ like your Grandma, you
have to follow a few rules.
-Ouch-
Me: OK. Hit me with another question.
Courtney: People don’t say QUESTION anymore!! We shorten it out to Q.
Me: Um… so hit me with a Q, then.
Courtney: If your buddy wants to take you shopping, what would you say
in response??
Me: “Why not??”
Courtney: NOOOOO!!! That’s, like, ASKIN’ for public humilia… humilia…
Me: Humiliation??
Courtney: See?? You’re NOT supposed to know words like that. AT ALL.
Anyways, the A to…
Me: Actually, “anyways” isn’t a real word.
Courtney: In my world, it is. AIWS, the A to your Q…
Me: Wait, wait, what’s AIWS??
Courtney: As I was sayin,’ the A to your Q is “TOTES!!”
Me: What?? What Q?? And isn’t a tote a kind of bag??
Courtney: “Totes” means TOTALLY!!!
Me: That is CRAP BALLS!!! How is “Totes” TOTALLY???
Courtney: Taylor, IDK who made it up. But WGLS…
Me: WHAT’S WGLS??????????
And that was how my slanguage classes came to a tragic end. Courtney
decided that I was too much of a beginner for her to train and I
decided that I’d rather wear nothing but a doormat to school instead
of stuttering around in a silvery gown squealing ‘totes AMAZE!!’ to
Dad’s boss’s daughters for a whole evening.

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